Melissa

07:07 am: stupid fucking scales
What do you do when your scale at home says 3 lbs more then your scale at work (im a vet tech) What weight am I? WTF

11:09 pm: Fuck
I never knew it was possible to be so unhappy, so miserable, I have never hated my life so much, I have never wanted to die more then I do now...

I don't even think I love him. When I think about old times I miss him, but I don't think I feel love. I don't think I can feel love for anyone but my son right now. Its almost refreshing to know he can't hurt me anymore... yet... I'm afraid to go outside alone.

09:51 am: I'm going to be alone for thanksgiving and christmas.

01:52 am: The thought of him sitting in some jail cell in an orange jumpsuit really bothers me... Does he feel bad for what he did? Does he even remember what he did? Is he thinking about me? Because he is all I can tnhink about. I wish he didnt do what he did... he would be here tonight... I would have made him dinner and we would have fallen asleep in eachothers arms... instead he is in a cold concrete cell with a toilet in the corner, buckbeds that sag and smell and some fat tatooed guy that jerks off thinking about violating his ass.

Why did he have to hurt me? Why did he do this to me? Am I that horrible of a person to deserve this?

What, if anything was he thinking as he was stomping my chest and stomach what was he thinking when he was punching me and choking me?

What stopped him from killing me? Why didnt he kill me

Now I have to live with this memory forever.



forever...
how long is forever?

11:30 am: Favorite Diet Food: egg whites
Favorite Binge Food: Spagetti and meat balls
Favorite Exercise: Yoga, walking
Thinspo: anyone skinnier then me
Where Do You Slip Up? work and home when my hubby makes dinner
When Did It Start? 15 or so
Does Anyone Know? yes
Do You Want Help? no
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? depends on the day
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? a whale
Are You In A Relationship? yes
Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? fat
Are You Depressed? yeah kidna
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? yes
Ever Been To A Psychologist? ha yeah

I AM -
[x] anorexic
[x] ednos
[x] bulimic
[x living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[x ] starving yourself
[x]participating in a fast
[] am trying it the healthy way



PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] my mom calls me fat
[] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[my boyfriend] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[] wish I’d eat more
[x] some don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic



I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[x] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

12:45 pm: Puppies!
Foxy had her puppies yesterday! yay! I ate like a piglet. It was a stressful day! So today, so far im at 103cal, im gonna try and stay below 500 today to get back on track.

03:28 pm: my calories so far today
392... my goal is 500 cal a day from now on!

03:31 pm: yay Obama
I was so excited about the election... I couldnt wait for history to be made, I was watching tv intently and then my awesome boyfriend decided to get drunk and start screaming at me, in front of our son too.. it was so rediculous... anyway, I didnt say anything to him while he was flipping out, I just sat there, and I know he was trying to get a rise out of me so he yelled to me "all you are is a fat bitch" I started crying, but I didn't let him win, I didn't let him get me to fight with him. He left to a friends house, who might I add murdered my pet turtle, this friend was the reason we were fighting to begin with. anyway, when he left i took 5 laxatives 3 diet pills and 2 xanex so I knocked myself out, I'm suprised i didnt shit in my sleep... My boyfriend actually called me at like midnight, and I dont even remember him calling, I woke up at 4am and the TV was on in the living room and im like wtf are you doing here? So I was totally fucked up. So since of my fat bitcheyness, I have only had 1 fresh baked sugarless cookie (100cal) and a slice of sourdough bread (77cal) and I'm down to 156, with clothes... its about freakin time... I think it will be another week or so of staying around the same weight, then I will start losing like I used to.

11:13 am: I have been so dizzy and sick latley I'm guessing its low blood sugar, anyway last night I was so light headed and off balance I ate a little apple sauce at about 11pm it helped a little. So yesterdays cal #is probably around 800 or 850. Today so far I had an egg white sandwich, so that came to about 150cal.

01:49 pm: out to lunch with mom
well I went to lunch with my mom which could have been a huge disaster, but it was only a mild disaster...I had a salad some chicken and some tofu... brought me to 649cals so far today but I ate mostly healthy stuff... I'm so mad, I didnt lose any weight... I will soon though... I just can't give in... Me and my boyfriend set a date to get married, and I HAVE to be 125 by then so I can't give in... I WILL NOT be a fat bride....