Melissa

07:07 am: stupid fucking scales
What do you do when your scale at home says 3 lbs more then your scale at work (im a vet tech) What weight am I? WTF

11:09 pm: Fuck
I never knew it was possible to be so unhappy, so miserable, I have never hated my life so much, I have never wanted to die more then I do now...

I don't even think I love him. When I think about old times I miss him, but I don't think I feel love. I don't think I can feel love for anyone but my son right now. Its almost refreshing to know he can't hurt me anymore... yet... I'm afraid to go outside alone.

09:51 am: I'm going to be alone for thanksgiving and christmas.

01:52 am: The thought of him sitting in some jail cell in an orange jumpsuit really bothers me... Does he feel bad for what he did? Does he even remember what he did? Is he thinking about me? Because he is all I can tnhink about. I wish he didnt do what he did... he would be here tonight... I would have made him dinner and we would have fallen asleep in eachothers arms... instead he is in a cold concrete cell with a toilet in the corner, buckbeds that sag and smell and some fat tatooed guy that jerks off thinking about violating his ass.

Why did he have to hurt me? Why did he do this to me? Am I that horrible of a person to deserve this?

What, if anything was he thinking as he was stomping my chest and stomach what was he thinking when he was punching me and choking me?

What stopped him from killing me? Why didnt he kill me

Now I have to live with this memory forever.



forever...
how long is forever?

11:30 am: Favorite Diet Food: egg whites
Favorite Binge Food: Spagetti and meat balls
Favorite Exercise: Yoga, walking
Thinspo: anyone skinnier then me
Where Do You Slip Up? work and home when my hubby makes dinner
When Did It Start? 15 or so
Does Anyone Know? yes
Do You Want Help? no
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? depends on the day
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? a whale
Are You In A Relationship? yes
Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? fat
Are You Depressed? yeah kidna
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? yes
Ever Been To A Psychologist? ha yeah

I AM -
[x] anorexic
[x] ednos
[x] bulimic
[x living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[x ] starving yourself
[x]participating in a fast
[] am trying it the healthy way



PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] my mom calls me fat
[] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[my boyfriend] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[] wish I’d eat more
[x] some don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic



I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[x] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

12:45 pm: Puppies!
Foxy had her puppies yesterday! yay! I ate like a piglet. It was a stressful day! So today, so far im at 103cal, im gonna try and stay below 500 today to get back on track.

03:28 pm: my calories so far today
392... my goal is 500 cal a day from now on!

03:31 pm: yay Obama
I was so excited about the election... I couldnt wait for history to be made, I was watching tv intently and then my awesome boyfriend decided to get drunk and start screaming at me, in front of our son too.. it was so rediculous... anyway, I didnt say anything to him while he was flipping out, I just sat there, and I know he was trying to get a rise out of me so he yelled to me "all you are is a fat bitch" I started crying, but I didn't let him win, I didn't let him get me to fight with him. He left to a friends house, who might I add murdered my pet turtle, this friend was the reason we were fighting to begin with. anyway, when he left i took 5 laxatives 3 diet pills and 2 xanex so I knocked myself out, I'm suprised i didnt shit in my sleep... My boyfriend actually called me at like midnight, and I dont even remember him calling, I woke up at 4am and the TV was on in the living room and im like wtf are you doing here? So I was totally fucked up. So since of my fat bitcheyness, I have only had 1 fresh baked sugarless cookie (100cal) and a slice of sourdough bread (77cal) and I'm down to 156, with clothes... its about freakin time... I think it will be another week or so of staying around the same weight, then I will start losing like I used to.

11:13 am: I have been so dizzy and sick latley I'm guessing its low blood sugar, anyway last night I was so light headed and off balance I ate a little apple sauce at about 11pm it helped a little. So yesterdays cal #is probably around 800 or 850. Today so far I had an egg white sandwich, so that came to about 150cal.

01:49 pm: out to lunch with mom
well I went to lunch with my mom which could have been a huge disaster, but it was only a mild disaster...I had a salad some chicken and some tofu... brought me to 649cals so far today but I ate mostly healthy stuff... I'm so mad, I didnt lose any weight... I will soon though... I just can't give in... Me and my boyfriend set a date to get married, and I HAVE to be 125 by then so I can't give in... I WILL NOT be a fat bride....

11:16 pm: 346...
and a pumpkin peep... another 13 cal

I'm gonna go take a sleeping pill so I dont fuck up anymore

10:59 pm: I fucked up
I messed up, I couldnt sleep... I had to eat... So i decided on a hard boiled egg (whites only) well we had no boiled eggs, so i made an egg white omlet, 2 egg whites a small slice of tomato, 1/4 clove of garlic and 1 tsp of honey mustard. so my total is at 333 calories... I'm so mad at myself...

08:10 pm: 285 cal for today!

cambells soup- 75cal (1 cup)
Bistro 90 second pasta- 210cal

the pasta, I was amazed had chicken and brocoli and cheese it was an awesome meal for 210 cal

I'm hungry but not so bad that im flipping out, I can last till bed time.

03:41 pm: ugh
so I have a litter of puppies due in a few days some asshole said he was coming down to meet the dogs at 4pm its now 3:45 i call him to make sure hes not lost and hes not coming... I wish he had called me... I mean what the fuck am I, a fucking quarter whore ready whenever he is? fuck that.

So then I call pete at work to tell him the guy pissed me off by not coming, and he flips out on me and hangs up on me... what the fuck... you know what I think it is, it breaks my heart, but recently we have been talking about getting married and I think the reason hes acting like this is because he doesnt want to get married and hes trying to prove that it wouldnt work, well im 2 seconds from telling him to move out. His plan is going to backfire and hes going to end up homless, wifeless, and paying child support. Fuck him.

11:25 am: a new day
So I'm over being pissed at my boyfriend... whenever I stop eating reasonable amounts of food, for a couple days im pretty insane... So anyway I did good yesterday, I plan to do better today. Its 11:30 and all I have ingested is a cup of chai tea. yay for me. I couldnt tell what the scale said but im pretty sure its the same as yesterday, I can weigh myself tomorrow morning at my mothers... I think im going to kidnap her scale. Its not exactly accurate, but at least i can see what it says (its one of those weight watchers scales) ok I will update later with my progress (or failure)

06:57 pm: so my eating is done for the day
I am officially done eating for the day (7pm)

my calories for day 1- 840

not too bad concidering my goal was 1000!

yay, I guess a reason I always fail is because I get discouraged when I go over my limit

04:52 pm: Im on yet another diet destined to fail
i always crash diet and I end up binging... and I am soooo afraid to start purging again... I'm afraid i will never be able to stop... So im restricting to 1000cal a day and working down from there...

04:40 pm: so once again im on a destined to fail diet
i always crash diet and I end up binging... and I am soooo afraid to start purging again... I'm afraid i will never be able to stop... So im restricting to 1000cal a day and working down from there...

08:31 pm: 220 my awesome stir-fry
100 soup
210 lean cuisine
175 cookie
and of course I was doing ok, until I started craving an oatmeal cookie... I have my period so I have an excuse!

So my total for today is.....

705

Well that sucks! I guess its better then 1200 like yesterday!
Tomorrow I work from 1-9pm so im not going to eat until my dinner break at work.

03:44 pm: so far today
grapes 68
pear 81